A Look Back At 2006

I feel the need to journal here what has been going through my mind for at least a week. One of my new "blogger friends" did something similar and it gave me the courage to put this in writing.

2006 was "The Year Of The Adoption" for my family. We started in 2005. I never thought during our homestudy (October to January) that we were weeks away from seeing our daughter's picture. I wasn't prepared to start waiting for her. January 23rd 2006 was the day that we saw Ananya's picture. We even decided to keep her orphanage name. We dropped our choice of Alexis quickly. Ananya was our daughter and that was her name. The problem became that our homestudy hadn't been approved yet. We couldn't just sign the papers and wait for the courts. We still had paper gathering to do. Once we finally started, I couldn't seem to get all the papers together to send them. I went to 6 different counties to get documents certified. This is no small task when you work 2 nights during the work week. 2 of the counties were over an hour away. The others were in all different directions. It didn't help that I was overwhelmed by the amount of things I had to gather. I wasn't prepared. It was "baptism by fire". Next time I'll be more prepared. I looked at Ananya's picture everyday and it made it harder to work. So early in the year my mood started to fall.

FINALLY in May we were ready to sign our acceptance papers. The beginning of June we started our wait for the Indian government. I thought we should have her for Christmas. I didn't let my heart get set on a date though. We went on vacation a couple weeks later. It was simply torture for me. I didn't want to do anything without my daughter. It started to get harder to enjoy my son. Looking back I feel terrible. I was so closed off that at times, my precious boy couldn't bring me back out. I was so focused on my daughter. It was unfair. The middle of July we got word that the first part of the process was approved. I couldn't be happier. We should have been able to travel in about 3 months. We should have gotten Ananya in October. I had many days to work past the anger in not having her when I thought we should have. It was not an easy leap to realize that God showed us Ananya when we were to see her and and He gave her to us when we were supposed to hold her. I fought my way through Halloween. I had bought a t-shirt for her. I fought my way through Thanksgiving, we didn't take our normal trip to Pennsylvania because we could be leaving soon. I missed my Dad and my Grammy and my aunt Carol's stuffing balls. I missed my family that day. I'm so used to having Thanksgiving with about 40 people. It was me and Patrick and my friend Teena. It wasn't right. So we continued to live each day hoping for word that we could leave soon. It never came. We got court dates that meant nothing. There came a point when I didn't cry. Those who know me know I'm an emotional person always. Not anymore. I didn't feel. Christmas was coming. I did my shopping. Got Anthony his favorite things. I baked my usual cookies. I hated it. It wasn't right. I didn't have much left in me. I couldn't sleep. At 3 in the morning I would be awake praying that my daughter knew I was coming. That she was getting hugs and kisses. That she wasn't lonely. Somewhere along the way God made the wait alittle easier. He gave me strength to look at my husband and my son and realize they were my gifts as well. In the last year, I have pulled away from them more than I ever care to admit. I spent alot of time sleeping. What else could I do. When I was awake, it was always right there. Breaking my heart alittle more at a time. I stuggled through this with 3 other friends. I could hear my emotions in their voices. I prayed for their children to come home almost more than for us to get Ananya.

Before Christmas, we were finally granted guardianship and only had to wait on passport. I never got the relief I would have expected. I still almost couldn't function on a daily basis. I went to work and did what I absolutely had to. Nothing more. We ran into delays with the passport process too. I finally just had to laugh when the passport office actually caught fire. I think it was the day we had to decide if we would buy our tickets. The freaking office caught on fire. What could I do but laugh. We proceed with plans anyway. Nothing would stop us at that point. Patrick made the decision. I couldn't.

Now we have our daughter. I'm so happy. I love everyday. My children are a gift and I love my family. We have all grown from our trip. Anthony's teacher has seen changes in his work. She said he is doing much better and focusing. I'm still struggling alittle. It wasn't the instant change that I expected. It didn't get better overnight. Mostly I'm still trying to figure out what to do with myself.

As for what I would do differently. That is a hard call. I announced so early that we were doing this. I won't do that again. I wanted to actually hit people by November when they asked questions. Of course some were phrased as "well she's going to be grown (or in college) before you get her" I hated that. To me it was the least sympathetic and most hurtful thing anyone could say. I lived each day for an email. Praying that today would bring news that our case was heard. My personal decisions are going to be kept more of a secret. People will know early if I think they will be supportive. These will most likely be the people who aren't going to ask everytime I see them what is going on. I don't want to defend the process again. It is what it is. India is not full of horrible people who just want to keep my baby away from me. I'm not going to try and explain that nearly as much. I'm going to journal more (sorry to those of you who read regularly). I'm going to enjoy my life as God has made it and anticipate the day when it gets better. My family is a gift and I don't want to take them for granted. I've learned to love each moment. I don't know that anyone can fully understand what I'm saying until you have lived it. I felt like my child was being held hostage. I didn't know for sure if she was sick (rationally I know they would have told me). I didn't know if she was having a bad day. I had to learn to trust God to look after my entire family. I can't control everything. I had to change my view. I had to depend on God for support. He brought me this far. He will finish the journey. He knows the ending.

I wrote this mostly for myself. I needed to let it out. I wrote it partly for someone else. I don't know if they will read it. You said I never talked about the adoption with you. Well here is the reason for so much of what you saw. I don't know that you'll accept it as a reason but there it is anyways. I hope you can see where I've been and how hard it was for me.